Sometimes I find that I question everything. I ask myself what I want to do… then start second guessing myself – ‘but is that the best thing for Anya?’, ‘Is that what will make her happy right now?’, ‘what will my mother/brother/aunt/neighbour think if they see me?!’, ‘what would my husband want me to do?’ Grr!… it is enough to make your head spin and make you really doubt yourself. In the end, I find I don’t know what I want anymore. This can affect big decisions but it can affect very small daily choices like what music to put on, whether to take Anya out in a stroller (once, just that once, to the grocery store) or whatever. I worry about everything: long-term impact on the social, emotional, physical and mental wellbeing of my child as well as how others will judge me and eventually I’ll factor in my own enjoyment. It is crazy-making.
Then I remember. Slowly, quietly, the little voice within takes over. There is only one truth (with many faces, perhaps – but only one, at its core). I only need to check-in once. The best way to access this truth is to go within. Be still. Listen. When I check in my heart, all the other voices harmonise, somehow. Does this make sense? I am no longer looking to find out what is ‘right’ or what I should do, I am only checking in to find out my truth right now – what feels good to me in the moment. Then I trust that when I do that I am tapping into something bigger than myself, actually. I stop trying to use my mind or my left brain to solve the ‘problem’ and I give over to intuition, to Heart. Every time I do that, switch from ‘manual to automatic’ (to quote Mooji, way out of context) everything starts to go smoothly again. In fact I am no longer trying to ‘solve’ the problem, I am just going to move to doing what feels right to me and trust that, as we are all one, that same movement is what is good for Anya, too.
This is tricky stuff to talk about. I am not, of course, saying – ‘be selfish and do whatever you want to do with no regard for others’ feelings or the impact on your child’ – quite the opposite actually. What I am saying, though, is that your logical brain is not always the best at making these decisions. Your own inner light, your mother’s intuition is a much better guide than any book will ever be – and your mind’s propensity to weigh up pros and cons (ad infinitum, in my case) may lead to some interesting philosophical conclusions but will not tell you what is best for you and your baby as unique souls – your Heart can. Trust that.