How we (playfully) put an end to nipple biting

Ouch! My daughter recently started biting me at the end of a feed. It wasn’t very aggressive, as such, it was more one of those ‘I am bored and there is no more milk and I want to get a reaction out of you’ kind of bites. She would come off the breast, bite me and then when I said ‘ow’ she would smile like it was the cutest, cleverest thing she ever did – which as you may imagine didn’t endear me to her, in that moment. I am usually very patient (it is one of my rare virtues) but this was pushing my commitment to gentle parenting.

I didn’t want to fight her on this – I knew that. I mean, sometime back, when she went through a little biting phase (which retrospectively I realised was actually due to a funky latch caused by teething) I tried a more conventional ‘no biting – we treat mama’s breasts with love, respect and gratitude’ along with taking her off the breast. She did stop, but the feeling was always more adversarial than co-operative. Surely all my new-found knowledge about parenting through connection could help me find a better, more resonant way.

So, I got to thinking about her needs. What she clearly wanted here was to engage me and get a reaction out of me. So, I started wondering how we could both get what we needed. I remembered this game from Lawrence Cohen’s Playful Parenting

The original game is about dealing with ‘naughty’ words. It is very simple. If a kid says a potty word, for example, trying to get a reaction out of you, you simply respond by saying, in a clearly lighthearted way: “you can say ‘sh*t’ as much as you like as long as you don’t say…” and insert a funny-sounding, long word like ‘schmoopotilupo’. Invariably what happens is that they will immediately say this new, forbidden word. Then you give them a huge reaction. “Oh, no, now you are going to get it” and run after them and tickle them, for example, or maybe pile onto them in a mock wrestling move or whatever works for you. Everybody wins. They get to play with being wayward and they get the reaction, connection and attention they clearly needed at that moment. You get to have fun AND ensure your kid is keeping their language clean. It really works. Try it!

Well, I thought, since the scenario was kind of similar (the need was to get a rise out of me) I could try something similar to help with the biting. If she bit me and looked up at me with mischievous eyes, I said: “you can bite there as much as you like as long as you don’t touch my belly button”. Like clockwork she puts her finger right in my bellybutton and I give her the biggest, loudest, silliest reaction ever. I yelp and giggle, tickle her and pat her bum, all while being really noisy and over the top.

Now it is effortless, if Nica wants to engage me and get a big energetic burst of a reaction out of me, she just pushes my belly button. I call it the ‘Push Here for a Reaction’ game. And it is great, we transformed what was an angsty situation into a playful game. She still gets a rise out of me but now it is a wholly fun and positive reaction whereas before it was anger-fuelled. Plus she has a new and very easy way of signalling when she is feeling disconnected from me without having to act-up. She gets to be the initiator and can choose a positive interaction over a… less positive one. And the biting has stopped.

— — —

Have you tried similar playful ways to tackle situations you were previously being reactive to? I’d love to hear some of the playful parenting successes from your life? Or if you go away and try a version of these two games the ‘forbidden words’ or ‘push here for a reaction’, do come back and let us know how they work for you. Cheers,

Gauri

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11 thoughts on “How we (playfully) put an end to nipple biting

  1. Oh, wow! My daughter is done nursing, but I’m sure this will come in handy for the next one. THANK YOU! I also want to try this with her recent new habit of screaming at the top of her lungs. Almost looking forward to her first yell tomorrow. :) THANK YOU!

    • Ahahahah! That is awesome. I know what you mean, I was the same, chomping at the bit (so to speak) to try this out again and again on little Nica. If you like this, you should check out the book Playful Parenting by Lawrence Cohen. You’ll love it. Truthfully, I haven’t even finished reading it but I have already derived so much inspiration from it.

      Thank you for stopping by and leaving a comment. Always most appreciated!

  2. Pingback: Sharing Sunday #11 « Free Your Parenting

  3. This is awesome! Gauri, we are going to try this starting today with my 13 month old. He has been cutting a deep groove with some bothersome behaviors and now I think of it, he is just trying to get some playful attention from me. Thank you!!!!! <3

    • Hey Andrea,

      Glad it resonated for you!

      I have said elsewhere (and in passing here) that the other time she bit was when she was teething. At those times, it is completely non-intentional and not malicious (although they may still find the ‘ouch’ reaction funny, for sure). Teething I find makes it harder for her to latch on. When that happens it lasts only a few days (3 or 5, at a burst – that may repeat a few days or weeks down the line). I have found that if that is the case the only thing I can do is wait it out and vary the position of nursing so that she doesn’t continually hit the same sore spot. The only other thing is to help them with the latch by either smooching them on the breast or un-latch and re-latch them for a more comfortable fit.

      Only saying this for balance. Some times you can play it out and change the focus of the attention, sometimes, if it is physical (a latch issue) you may need to treat it differently . Your call. But certainly this kind of ‘push here for a [positive] reaction’ games are great for re-defining the nature of the interaction and re-connecting.

      Cheers for commenting,
      Gauri

      • Thanks for the clarifications, Gauri! Got it. I definitely see both sides of this one. With a boy who decided to get all his teeth at once, I’ve felt a latch difference in 3-5 day spurts, too! Awesome to know that this is common, and that there are fun games to be had with all our interactions. In fact, since reading your post, we’ve laughed A LOT! :)

    • I love the location, Michelle! I think you brhgout it to life magically!! Fantastic! Super duper! Awesome! Amazing! .I’m trying to think of some more really good words to describe the location, your photos from this shoot and you. I think you probably get the idea.

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